To see thigs thousands of miles away...

Whatever. Things can only look up from here I thought? It's true. So I thought that movie of Walter Mitty? So it's about a lot of thigs, but mostly about how this guy has a job. I got to get me one of those. Sigh. It's really not mine fault of being unemployed of a year. Some people have bad luck all the time, every day. My doc says that my gout, nipple bleeds, rashes, palpitachions, and velvet rash patch is a big cocern.

I really cant get it out of why I have bad luck. He says mebbe mine diet is a little off, so I need to understand. He says to write my diet down, and mayhaps buy a diary. But I says, "Doc, I even ardy have a facmous caputer diary." So I saved myself a dime? My diet for yesterday was 18 grape Shastas and 16 vitamin C pills.

Today: brefix: mountain Dew.
Lunchin: a personal pezza from pezza Hut.
Dinner: a carnton of milk, and then a yogurt, and 3 mountain Dews.

I just don't get it....wait...doy! I need more calories! I'm practically starving! Jeez! It's like my gyardyin angel was watching me write that and whispering in mine ear, "Derr!"

Now that that's cleared up, I can work on mine career!
Lately I been working on a act for showbiz, if you get my drift. So I'l let you fans in on a trade secret: tv needs one thig, and one thig only--men dressed up as a woman, but they are fooling everyone!

But like they get in a bit of trouble from time to time of not knowing thigs a woman would do in the world. Its just I made it up to keep up with the times. Tv needs a fresh idea for once, and this is it. Tecobell came over and we used mothers' dresses and mekup for to be 2 womin and fanned ourselves and went to the mirror to say "Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!" We even put on brassieres for to put socks in. It should be ready to send to Hollyweird in 2 to 3 months.

Day(don't)care

Psschh I am really on one today. Talk about getting heated! I had one of the worst week in career history! It was like a whole week of Mondays! Ok, ok, ok. I'll essplain already!
I was ready for a career change since as a associates degree holder I don't just have to settle for any job per se, but can hold out for management? Anyway, I decided to do a daycare a favor by just working there for a sec before my real job of Corporate USA came though. Or. so. I. thought. I started out day one by just meeting the friggin little kids. They acted like I was a rock star I guess. Summa the kids don't even speak English? Huh. Ok so I think I was a idol already because they ardy gave me a nickname of El Blanco Diablo? Psshhh those kids- how embarrassing for them that it's in spanglish! Anyway, on the second day I was getting really cafused about how to do lesson planning and teaching them.  I must admit that this daycare didn't have air conditioning, so in 90 degree weather my temper sometimes excapes me. After we played UNO for 5 hours, the kids were getting bouncy off the walls and wanted to go outside for baksetball. I took thum out and the ball bounced over the brick wall. I wanted to be Mr. Joe Cool and buy their love, so I had them boost me over for to get it. Let me say the I talian white linen suit number I bought in celebration of my new job did not appreciate being pushed over a brick wall. By the time I was ready to come back, I couldn't even get back over. The wall was too high. The kids was running all over and even tried to push a ladder over to me but it just smashed mine head. I tried to lift my leg over, but I assidentally soiled myself (I am not ashamed to say this and believe being 100% me). My suit! Then after 2 hours the kids all left and finally a yard duty heard me mewing and scratching the wall with a old tin can. I didn't want to yell for to distract the teaching going on inside. They had to finally get 2 men to climb over and give me a boost. My stomach did not like being pressed on the top part of the gate, so  but I ended up ralphing on my shoes. Doh! Oi. Vey. The work force is just not ready for me. The trickiest part is that I have to sue the school for my cut that I got in the grass behind the wall has a infection. Doh! Doh! And the school is being a meanie of not letting me come back because I am "sueing" them. Oh Brother!

Bad Mood, DUDE!

What a day. I have a cafession- I am sick of summer weather and I don't care who knows it! I guess I just had one a those days. Let me essplain. So last time we chatted I cafessed (ok, bragged) that Extreme Makeover had picked me as a catestant for to get a Extreme Makeover. I was all bravado about how I'm actually too hamsome and it was all a joke about how me and ol Tecobell was secretly filming me for to get me a big break even though I actually don't need a Extreme Makeover. But....I.was....lying. It's so hard to say but there, I cut through all the drama and cafessed. The truth is, up until last week I had been filming that show for 7 months. I did not let on for they had me sign a iron clad caffession of how I could not spill the beans. Pssshhh, Hollyweird at it's usual. Well I kept telling the host Chris Powell of how I was fine and he didn't have to check up on me like a baby, jeez, but really I was the first contestant to gain more weight in the history of EM. I was stressed all right! I DARE someone else in my same life of being in my shoes to challenge this. I DARE them! So they cut me out of the show and said to pretend this never happened. Ha! Amateurs! Of course I will air this injustice! They just need to cut peeps more slack and give them second chances! It's like be cool for once! Ever since then I have just been a bad mood dude. Today I went to my fav chinee restauarant and ordered a steaming bowl of beef noodles to go. I also bought mine favorite coldstone treat of PB&C  and planned to eat it outside. Boy was that a mistake. The to -go container spilled all over my pants, scalding my unmentionables! Luckily I was outside a mall so I burst in screamig for help and assidentally tripped over a leash connected to a stroller. Good news of the baby only had a bruised foot of where I landed on her, and the dog was ok, just a little shocked of almost being strangled. I called 911 and waited peshintly outside. Of course my pants was split and these cruel emo teens were making fun of me.

Extreme Makeover: ME Edition

Hey everyone! I know you all have been so desperate to hear from me... It's like I waltzed off the face of the earth or sumsing. Relax and take un chill pill sss. Recently I have been in the highs and lows of life. I am still currently unemployed, but rully I don't get why everyone complains about it. I have to learned to love it. I bessically live off the birthday moneys from mine fam, as well as the child support I receive, so all I say is, who needs work? Jonathan has even trained himself to empty the trash and clean the toilets! I wonder sometimes if it is normal for dogs... to automatically have a preference for Lysol? What would I do without him. He is like that thing of un fish that ride on sharks for to hitch a 'ride to new york city' (sss mine time off lets me get into classic rock). He gives me advice on all my finances and the ladeez and stuff. He even got me to enquire into Extreme Body Makeover for fun! These are peeps on the youtubes that do makeovers on unsuspecting (but grateful) goblins and then give them something to live for! I know you are thinking: Why would I need un makeover! Twould just be un makeunder me thinks sss. I figure it will help their viewings if they were forced to help an already dashing and prepared man, who just has had to deal with sensitive prollems which keep him from finding un ladee friend. Nothing about being out of shape or eating 11 Doritos Locos Tacos everyday. The problem is, someone else has to nominate you. I enlisted the help of Doreen. She however always crosses herself when I bring my caputer to her apartment, so she is done! Hamilton Tecobell then seemed the best option. So we pretended that he would secretly film me while explaining why I would need that thing of un makeover! First, we went to get my usual Cinnabon in the early morn, and I acted like un unsuspecting goblin. I must say, my behind looked rather good and lush in these new pants from GoodWill (sorry sorry, back to mine story). But then he tried filming me in the comforts of my home, even to when Jonathan was busy cleaning the kitchen while I watched The Vineyard. I guess it was good at the time, it showed how I truly look nice at all hours of the day. We sent it to Extreme Makeover peeps, and I was so thrilled to get un email from them the next day! I must say though... they must have been a little daunted with the challenge of moi? They said something about how they cannot support the 'enslavement of animals' but I know that is just code for ' you are too hamsome for us'. What can I say? I  do try. There is un new shake weight at the walmart for half price... I guess I don't need it, but I am worth it demmit.

Vegas, Baby!

PS the above Pic is Criss Angel me thinks

        
This weekend has been all about me becoming un man. I got to go to Vegas! I know, how can I afford this expenditure, you may ask? Well when I had mine jobs, I bought some Class A tickets to Chris Angel 'Mind Freak'. You thought I wasn't apart of the magic crowd you say? That I am such un open book to enjoy the mysterious world of trixies and fancy pranks eh? You were WRONG! *chuckle. Anyway, Hamilton Tecobell  and I were going twosies on this trip, but of carse Hamilton wigged out at the last minute because Piccachu  from Tinder happened to steal all his savings (including retirement). I know that most people dont realize this... but you should prolly not wire money nor give out your pin number or social security number to un early love interest. Love may be blind... but it aint frugal! So I ended up driving with Jonathan to the City of Dreams. However, we encountered un slight prollem. I thought that I would be able to just go into un hotel and find un sensible room BAM! But the many ladies at the front desks told me that generally 'people' make 'reservations' during a 'busy' time of year. I had no idea it was a memorial day! I have no veterans in mine fam. Perhaps I can count Darlene? (Except she tells me she doesn't like me bringing up unmentionables on the internets but YOYO!) Anyway, 3 thigs happened that made this trip pretty random. I assidnetally got caught i the thing of the doors go round and round. I mean really, what is it the 80's?!? Havenet we found a better way of doing doors? Anyway John figured them out just fine but i got cafused and was caught for 13 recorded minutes until I got too tired and fell while being trampled by that wretched machine. Sheesh! I also did not know that I wasn't allowed to have that mini food of a bar? I thought they hand picked it for me. Who knew that room service wasn't free? I just thought the numbers next to the menu was the order #, not prices. Ike, ga ga guh. But back to the partay. I secretly led Jonathan to Chris Angel... That whole ordeal really changed mine life. I can't exactly essplain what happened (I feel like mine mind was wiped clean) and also un lady never reveals her secrets ;) Plus traffic was horrible, so I missed the first 57 minutes. But alas. That is all I will say about that. The next day, Jonathan and I ventured off into the strip. I must say I was rull popular. A lot of dancing youngsters holding beverages asked me to party (Unfortunately, after that little incident where I was accused of murder during the summer of '03, I dont party with strangers. But that is neither here but there.) I instead went to Serendipity to say This.Is.The.Life. With mine hoc choclac and the most esspensive icremm sundae in the world in the vicinity. Also we went to the M&M factory and spent a lot of Jonathan's trip money, but ya know? I am friggin worth it, demmit.

What not About?

Hello. I gotta say it has NOT been the life. My recent unemployment has made me force myself to get un roommate to help pay the rents. My landlord has been KILLER. I am a bad mood dude. Cuz 1. My roommate is harrible and B) I really just want that thing of eating whatever you want without gaining weight, and also that elusive emotion called love. I mean, the heart wants what the heart wants. I can't help that mine heart beats with the beat of the drum and that my drum has a beat no one can hear (perhaps I can make my flirtations include poetry?). And the sad thing is, my roomie wants to do that thing of being single and going out on the town since women are " a friggin ball and chain" and my back prollems/emotional wedgie (ssss) wont let me go out. His name is Loreal. French or sumsing? He is also a friggen abercrombie model. He looks like Chad Kroeger (that one hunk from Nickelback). Like he can afford to call women prison wardens. I myself have not been so lucky, so when I do that to their faces, they just look at me all disgusted and leaving red hand marks across mine face. Lucky Loreal. He also is a master of disguise ;). Sometimes in the midday when I'm here with Jonathan and Loreal is at his job, I do the filthy act of burping on Loreal's toothbrush cuz all Jonathan barks about is 'Loreal this' and 'Loreal that' cuz Loreal needs to be taken down a notch (with his fancy mystery job and always pressed silken boxers/shirts). I axe myself what job because he hasnt paid his rent since he said he is 'following hims dream' and is a victim of check fraud, but seems to still be a un victim after 6 years. Ah well. I consider mineself un good samirtan. Loreal also promised he would pay the rent, and he offered to dry clean my special suit after wearing it thrice for his business ventures. And that since I will buy all the groceries for the next three months he will for sure do it for the next three after that. Also if I picked un fight with him over the love of Jonathan he would kick mine butt. I have to be honest here... I can't even do the #2 in front of him. Heck, I have to go down the street at midnight when all the people out there want my body to relieve myself. I need un new roommate! One that does not do that thing of pointing at your shirt and saying 'whats that' and you looking all innocent and cafused down at your shirt but then him flicking you in the nose. Hogwash!

Splash... and Other Musings

   Hey y'all. So it has become rather steamy where I live.  I have had to slowly remove most of my 12 layers of clothes to be able to function at all! Also the hit show 'Splash' where you find out that in fact Kendra is just. like. you. is on mine mind all the time! Everything is going according to plans, as per uje. Unfortunately Jonathan has been getting weirdly more attached than usual (he esspects me to bring him a hot water bottle for his bowels at all hours of the day now) so I have had to stay home to take care of him, the lil' devil. Ah well. I chose this!
    Okay by now I am feeling guilt. I atchally didn't choose to stay home with Jonathan all day. I know I seem like the tough lovin' guy, but in reality, I'm just a sponge. Truth is... I was fired. Yes. From the ol' B&BW. Apparently they said I harrassed customers, that I was 'being' ridiculous and embarrassing to the 'company' because I routinely left Cinnabon tracks around the cash register (among other things, my boss said. Whatevs fool.) Luckily I left with all my dignity, but I burst into tears as soon as I left the store. I was so upset I even forgot to pick up my usual 8 ranchins doritos locos tacos, which is a travesty unto itself. Now all I ask myself is... What to do? I really have no career goals (there was a time where I vaguely remember a neighbor exploiting my talent for tap dancing and telling me i was bred for it in my single digits, but that is neither here but there) I guess now I am feeling regrets of quitting my day job at the office for B&BW... I mean there was that one time someone said I could be a hand model in Japan, but really that wouldn't do mine unique and good looks justice. I just want to eat beggnetts in mine apartment all day with no shame. And Jonathan is no help, he is practically disabled with his irritable bowel syndrome, so he is contributing NOTHING. Sigh. Where is un woman when you need one? Mebbe though love aint in the cards for me... perhaps I should find my 'mojo'... yeah! my 'MO-JO'. I will take that de-caf please ssss. Look at me. Joking around and keeping things loose while the end of my world is near. I can deal with being unemployed for un time. Although the economy is bad? I would prolly just be wasting my time? I need some R&R + TLC (sss hip). ME time here I come!