Extreme Makeover: ME Edition

Hey everyone! I know you all have been so desperate to hear from me... It's like I waltzed off the face of the earth or sumsing. Relax and take un chill pill sss. Recently I have been in the highs and lows of life. I am still currently unemployed, but rully I don't get why everyone complains about it. I have to learned to love it. I bessically live off the birthday moneys from mine fam, as well as the child support I receive, so all I say is, who needs work? Jonathan has even trained himself to empty the trash and clean the toilets! I wonder sometimes if it is normal for dogs... to automatically have a preference for Lysol? What would I do without him. He is like that thing of un fish that ride on sharks for to hitch a 'ride to new york city' (sss mine time off lets me get into classic rock). He gives me advice on all my finances and the ladeez and stuff. He even got me to enquire into Extreme Body Makeover for fun! These are peeps on the youtubes that do makeovers on unsuspecting (but grateful) goblins and then give them something to live for! I know you are thinking: Why would I need un makeover! Twould just be un makeunder me thinks sss. I figure it will help their viewings if they were forced to help an already dashing and prepared man, who just has had to deal with sensitive prollems which keep him from finding un ladee friend. Nothing about being out of shape or eating 11 Doritos Locos Tacos everyday. The problem is, someone else has to nominate you. I enlisted the help of Doreen. She however always crosses herself when I bring my caputer to her apartment, so she is done! Hamilton Tecobell then seemed the best option. So we pretended that he would secretly film me while explaining why I would need that thing of un makeover! First, we went to get my usual Cinnabon in the early morn, and I acted like un unsuspecting goblin. I must say, my behind looked rather good and lush in these new pants from GoodWill (sorry sorry, back to mine story). But then he tried filming me in the comforts of my home, even to when Jonathan was busy cleaning the kitchen while I watched The Vineyard. I guess it was good at the time, it showed how I truly look nice at all hours of the day. We sent it to Extreme Makeover peeps, and I was so thrilled to get un email from them the next day! I must say though... they must have been a little daunted with the challenge of moi? They said something about how they cannot support the 'enslavement of animals' but I know that is just code for ' you are too hamsome for us'. What can I say? I  do try. There is un new shake weight at the walmart for half price... I guess I don't need it, but I am worth it demmit.

Vegas, Baby!

PS the above Pic is Criss Angel me thinks

        
This weekend has been all about me becoming un man. I got to go to Vegas! I know, how can I afford this expenditure, you may ask? Well when I had mine jobs, I bought some Class A tickets to Chris Angel 'Mind Freak'. You thought I wasn't apart of the magic crowd you say? That I am such un open book to enjoy the mysterious world of trixies and fancy pranks eh? You were WRONG! *chuckle. Anyway, Hamilton Tecobell  and I were going twosies on this trip, but of carse Hamilton wigged out at the last minute because Piccachu  from Tinder happened to steal all his savings (including retirement). I know that most people dont realize this... but you should prolly not wire money nor give out your pin number or social security number to un early love interest. Love may be blind... but it aint frugal! So I ended up driving with Jonathan to the City of Dreams. However, we encountered un slight prollem. I thought that I would be able to just go into un hotel and find un sensible room BAM! But the many ladies at the front desks told me that generally 'people' make 'reservations' during a 'busy' time of year. I had no idea it was a memorial day! I have no veterans in mine fam. Perhaps I can count Darlene? (Except she tells me she doesn't like me bringing up unmentionables on the internets but YOYO!) Anyway, 3 thigs happened that made this trip pretty random. I assidnetally got caught i the thing of the doors go round and round. I mean really, what is it the 80's?!? Havenet we found a better way of doing doors? Anyway John figured them out just fine but i got cafused and was caught for 13 recorded minutes until I got too tired and fell while being trampled by that wretched machine. Sheesh! I also did not know that I wasn't allowed to have that mini food of a bar? I thought they hand picked it for me. Who knew that room service wasn't free? I just thought the numbers next to the menu was the order #, not prices. Ike, ga ga guh. But back to the partay. I secretly led Jonathan to Chris Angel... That whole ordeal really changed mine life. I can't exactly essplain what happened (I feel like mine mind was wiped clean) and also un lady never reveals her secrets ;) Plus traffic was horrible, so I missed the first 57 minutes. But alas. That is all I will say about that. The next day, Jonathan and I ventured off into the strip. I must say I was rull popular. A lot of dancing youngsters holding beverages asked me to party (Unfortunately, after that little incident where I was accused of murder during the summer of '03, I dont party with strangers. But that is neither here but there.) I instead went to Serendipity to say This.Is.The.Life. With mine hoc choclac and the most esspensive icremm sundae in the world in the vicinity. Also we went to the M&M factory and spent a lot of Jonathan's trip money, but ya know? I am friggin worth it, demmit.

What not About?

Hello. I gotta say it has NOT been the life. My recent unemployment has made me force myself to get un roommate to help pay the rents. My landlord has been KILLER. I am a bad mood dude. Cuz 1. My roommate is harrible and B) I really just want that thing of eating whatever you want without gaining weight, and also that elusive emotion called love. I mean, the heart wants what the heart wants. I can't help that mine heart beats with the beat of the drum and that my drum has a beat no one can hear (perhaps I can make my flirtations include poetry?). And the sad thing is, my roomie wants to do that thing of being single and going out on the town since women are " a friggin ball and chain" and my back prollems/emotional wedgie (ssss) wont let me go out. His name is Loreal. French or sumsing? He is also a friggen abercrombie model. He looks like Chad Kroeger (that one hunk from Nickelback). Like he can afford to call women prison wardens. I myself have not been so lucky, so when I do that to their faces, they just look at me all disgusted and leaving red hand marks across mine face. Lucky Loreal. He also is a master of disguise ;). Sometimes in the midday when I'm here with Jonathan and Loreal is at his job, I do the filthy act of burping on Loreal's toothbrush cuz all Jonathan barks about is 'Loreal this' and 'Loreal that' cuz Loreal needs to be taken down a notch (with his fancy mystery job and always pressed silken boxers/shirts). I axe myself what job because he hasnt paid his rent since he said he is 'following hims dream' and is a victim of check fraud, but seems to still be a un victim after 6 years. Ah well. I consider mineself un good samirtan. Loreal also promised he would pay the rent, and he offered to dry clean my special suit after wearing it thrice for his business ventures. And that since I will buy all the groceries for the next three months he will for sure do it for the next three after that. Also if I picked un fight with him over the love of Jonathan he would kick mine butt. I have to be honest here... I can't even do the #2 in front of him. Heck, I have to go down the street at midnight when all the people out there want my body to relieve myself. I need un new roommate! One that does not do that thing of pointing at your shirt and saying 'whats that' and you looking all innocent and cafused down at your shirt but then him flicking you in the nose. Hogwash!

Splash... and Other Musings

   Hey y'all. So it has become rather steamy where I live.  I have had to slowly remove most of my 12 layers of clothes to be able to function at all! Also the hit show 'Splash' where you find out that in fact Kendra is just. like. you. is on mine mind all the time! Everything is going according to plans, as per uje. Unfortunately Jonathan has been getting weirdly more attached than usual (he esspects me to bring him a hot water bottle for his bowels at all hours of the day now) so I have had to stay home to take care of him, the lil' devil. Ah well. I chose this!
    Okay by now I am feeling guilt. I atchally didn't choose to stay home with Jonathan all day. I know I seem like the tough lovin' guy, but in reality, I'm just a sponge. Truth is... I was fired. Yes. From the ol' B&BW. Apparently they said I harrassed customers, that I was 'being' ridiculous and embarrassing to the 'company' because I routinely left Cinnabon tracks around the cash register (among other things, my boss said. Whatevs fool.) Luckily I left with all my dignity, but I burst into tears as soon as I left the store. I was so upset I even forgot to pick up my usual 8 ranchins doritos locos tacos, which is a travesty unto itself. Now all I ask myself is... What to do? I really have no career goals (there was a time where I vaguely remember a neighbor exploiting my talent for tap dancing and telling me i was bred for it in my single digits, but that is neither here but there) I guess now I am feeling regrets of quitting my day job at the office for B&BW... I mean there was that one time someone said I could be a hand model in Japan, but really that wouldn't do mine unique and good looks justice. I just want to eat beggnetts in mine apartment all day with no shame. And Jonathan is no help, he is practically disabled with his irritable bowel syndrome, so he is contributing NOTHING. Sigh. Where is un woman when you need one? Mebbe though love aint in the cards for me... perhaps I should find my 'mojo'... yeah! my 'MO-JO'. I will take that de-caf please ssss. Look at me. Joking around and keeping things loose while the end of my world is near. I can deal with being unemployed for un time. Although the economy is bad? I would prolly just be wasting my time? I need some R&R + TLC (sss hip). ME time here I come!

Tinder: Love, and other Lies

Yolo! I am back and better than ever, arf arf!  I am one busy dude lemme tell you. First, I dipped mine foot into the world of cyber dating on the worldwide web. My fellow mallworker Hamilton Técobell was telling me about this crazy new thig the youths are doing called Tinder. Hamilton works at Dress Barn and overheard about it from his manager Yvonne. Alls it is is a thig of where they take your fb profile pic and include your age and how many miles you are from peeps. If you think someone is un match of love (or friendship? I don't really get technology most of the time) you press that you like them and you can do a chat if they like you too. Since Hamilton and I only have Cricket cellys by AT&T we do Tinder and Instagram and Angry Birds at the public liberry. My Dell at home wont cut it. So Tinder. Oh it teks me back to AOL chatrooms (silly me, giving away mine age for all to see with that reference). Anyway, Tinder was a dirty lie! I did ereything right! All mine profile pictures were of Johnathon in his sunglasses and jean shorts. Duh, the women love puppies ammiright? I only got 3 bites?? I found it weird because the peepettes who liked mine pics had profile pics of Pikachu and that thing of un wolf meme? I couldnt really see what they looked like, but mebbe they were doing as me and drawing in menz by having a fun picture? That has to be the reason??? I chatted with the Pikachu and was essited to look at her other pics because she is un professional model! You should see this babe- she had tons of pics from her modeling gig at Forever 21! She said to call her Pikachu. What un character- she was even too shy to skype in person!  I really wanted to call her and arrange the date like a true genlmen but she doesn't even have a cellphone for to talk on. After I saw those pics I was all, look at me, dating un model! What good luck I had! Or. so. I. thought. She seemed all nice until Hamilton and I compared and we had made a date for the same lady! The noive! She had planned the same date  for both of us and everything! We were both going to meet her at a park at midnight. For some reason we also had to brang our checkbooks and social security cards because Pikachu's gramma is in trouble? I guess Gramma lives overseas and they will wire the money to her but then get double the money back because Gramma is un millionaire but just needs our life savings as investments. Whatever. P wanted to keep it so secret for some reason. Oh women and their romance! I felt like un catfitched fool and I admit, I slammed my bedroom door and cried on mine bed like un Jan brady when I found out I was bein 2 timed. But in the end I had to do the right thing and let Hamilton have Pikachu. He hasn't been on a date in 6 years. I need to cool my jets of being a ladees man and I still am a lil bad mood dude of the Deli romance. Sigh. I deleted Tinder and am ready to focus 110% on mine career at Bath & Body. I hope Hamilton is happy with Pikachu. The date is for this wednesday. I guess he will tell me about it when we have out tradition of lunch breaks at Sbarros. I guess in a way I was being Cupid I guess. So Tinder...no.

Spring is in the Air

Am I the only one who is noticing Spring Fever? I am getting back into poetry from being inspired by all the new scents of Bath and Body. There is even one that is top secret and all I can say is that they have figured out how to bottle love. I love the arts! One especially of an up and coming Spring artist of Anne Geddes. She is so av-ant garde. Or should I say av-ant garden sss-sss. Anyway I discovered her by the calendar from B&B. It was from 1997 and someone was just going to throw perfectly good baby art away! I am so inspired to write these days! What you say?? Un sample you say?? All right all right, I will share mine art! Mine poem: "Love. No. Spring. Yes. Lavender. Peach. Good. In. The. Neighborhood. Art. Artiste.Amour. The. End." It's a new type of poem that I invented that I will prolly send to New York I guess.  Sigh. I love the arts! Anyway, I guess you could say mine spirits have even been lifted by this dear job. I write by the glow of mine peach candle and netflix of course. I am watching SheDevil if you must know, and let me just say that I can tell why the academy is always giving Merly Streep the name of American Sweetheart. She is like a young Clarice of "It Takes Two." I have known many she devils in mine day thank you very much. And sometimes I think that Rosanne is the perfect woman?? Ahh anyway, it is hard being in the corporate world of the retail giant. More of a challenge than the rat race himself! I am not exactly adjusted like a fish out of water. It is hard because they don't approve of mine half hourly bafroom breaks and they never do the biggest loser competitions or coworker bonding! I even suggested a thing of cheering every morning to get up morale for to make sells and they said no! Like at Claire's I always hear them do a cheer before they open up! I wanted to do one of, "Our team can beat anyone! You know this game will soon be done! Cause we're the best around, and we show it! Yeah, yeah, you know it!" Who couldn't use the extra bump of tude and style??? Sometimes bosses can be toughies. Whatever. B&BW is rubbing off in every part of my life! I bet my ex is living in regret to know that I have been going on long evening walks these days and I really feel like a healthy new dude! From dud to dude! Also i got a new haircut. Or should I say, haircute!!! Ha, take that! Let me just say that I have a new lease on life and am feelig just so giggly and young again! So love...no. Spring. Yes.

Thigs are lookeen up :)

So most of you are thinking that I was in a pretty sad mood of when she who must not be named was being a little devil to mine heart. BUT that is the last I will speak of this publicly. That is neither here but there. Anywhoo, I have been getting mine life back into the groove of things. Such as, I was working out at a hip new spa for that I found a thig of on groupon. It was a experience let me tell you. . I am just a normal American Dude and not trying to be a Europe guy or whatnot. 

I'm not much into the witchcraft of when peeps tell you that sugar is a drug or "bad" for "you"Jeez. Whatever, I have been eating a carnton of Parm goldfish crackers everyday and I can't start my day without em! I went for a consulltation at the workout gym and they were telling me thigs of how to lose weight. I guess I have a long road to fitness. I asked them litrally how long the road of fitness it would be if it was a real road and they said it was something of the road to perdition? Pssh whatever, I maybe say that it is the road of great wall of china. They also were saying I was confusing them of my daily eating routines of bacob and ramen and chicken wings and spaghetti o's and funyuns and begged me to go to the hospital asap... but my diet works for me and it is mine business. They also said that abs are found in the kitchen and not in the gym??? What the what??!? And they said I was cafusing to talk to!

The best news that I was saving for last is that I got a new job at....drum....roll........please...........Bath and Body Works! Besically I was in there last Saturday because I got a coupon in the mail of getting any wallflower and you would get a free peach candle. Peach candles are prolly around one of my more favorite candles these days I guess. I was in there and since they only had 50 candles per store it was a madhouse and long story short my leg got trampled by a crowd and then a pyramid display of Sweet Pea bruised my leg.

Anyway I was crying when they found me and I mentioned that this happened in the last lawsuit and they said that thing of lets make a deal because no need to bring the law into this and it was just a little scratch. I guess the manager was pretty impressed by my devotion or something because he offered me a part time job! I will be very busy of this and my office job, but it is worth it and I will prolly sneak J in so I can still be a good single dad. They wont even notice him since he barely makes a peep. Maybe put him in a backpack? I will have to use my brains to sneak him.

And my other job, I can just leave a lil early. It is so worth it because it such a happy place and I have been a fan since 1992 when I worked at the mall across from it as Hot Dog on a Stick. Haha, I still have mine uniform! Anyway, my body shape was not ezzactly a perfect shape for that uniform and I couldn't wear it and had to wear my Demonia Creepers (memember those?), Jincos, and my Chi-town bulls jersey. Ahh to be young again. My mom said they let me do it for she said she would sue hot dog on a stick for discrimination??? Anyway, my first day is tomorrow! First item of business is to ax my boss if the real name is Bathroom and Body Works or is it just urban legend??? Wish this dude luck!